I'm Crazy

I could love you with the lights turned on and the sun shining in

But you'll only love me in the back of your car

In a small dark space where no one will know

Except for the random passer-by

Stick with what's familiar

Don't bother tasting the sweet flavor of life

It could intoxicate

Dump it down the drain, so you'll never know how good it is

I could kiss you in the middle of the street with horns blaring all around

I know you won't kiss me back…maybe later, behind locked doors

Where no one will get in

And no one will ever have to know

My eyes could get you high

That's all you would ever need

One look and we know it could have worked

One blink and now it's gone forever

Glance one more time, just to make sure

Another day, you could have loved.

Another time, you would have kissed.

There's always another.

When will I be enough?

Okay so we have determined that I have done really well with my weight loss. This is what I have accomplished so far.

 January 22- 325 pounds
                      49.4 BMI

June 28th- 276 pounds
                     42 BMI

I have lost 49 pounds in 22 weeks... an average of 2.4 pounds per week. I am going to try to push myself for the summer. It seems to be easier for me to lose weight in the summer time anyways because I am more active. Fall semester starts September 3rd, which is 8.5 weeks away. My goal is

Sept 3- 250 pounds
               38 BMI

This means 26 pounds of weight loss in 8.5 weeks which is an average of 3.05 pounds per week. I know I can do it... but I also know that it isn't going to be easy. I am so excited about this. Then my goal before the new year I am going to slow it down again because it is the winter time and it is harder for me to lose weight in the winter time. I am going to try and average 2.0 pounds per week. There are a total of 17 weeks between September 3 and July 1st. I will round that to about 35 pounds. 

January 1st, 2008- 215 pounds
                                 32.7 BMI

My original goal was to reach 180 pounds with a 27.4 BMI before my 21st Birthday. I am going to change that to before my 20th Birthday. Final Goal:

May 15th, 2008- 180 pounds
                             27.4 BMI

EEP!! It looks like I will be able to buy myself a cute bathing suit next summer. And no, by "cute" I don't mean skimpy. But, it is 4 am, or 3:45 anyways, and I have a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow so I need to try to force myself to sleep. *bounce, bounce, bounce*...lol Peace Out.

My sleep schedule has been so messed up lately. Ever since last week I haven't been able to get to sleep until like 6 in the morning, and I wake up around 1 or 2 in the afternoon. Like now, it is 4 am, actually 10 after 4, but I cannot sleep. I am tired, but as soon as I lay down I get this new boost of energy. I don't like this.

Well, tomorrow (well later today) is Laundry day and grocery shopping day, which means that I cannot sleep in because I have to be up at like 8:30 and we are leaving at 9 to start laundry because Wilson needs his pants by 11:30 so he can be to work for 12 pm. I think we are going to be cutting it way too close, but his work pants need to be washed. *yawn*...this makes me mad. 

Although it has been a stressful week. I mean Brandon died, then I found out that my cancer was back, and I haven't been able to get a hold of Rick, and I spent the weekend worried that something was wrong with James... so I guess I should expect my whole schedule to be a little out of whack.

You know what is really cool...for once I am happy be single. I haven't really thought about getting into a relationship with anyone. I want to focus on myself. I am excited about this job at Walmart, plus they are paying me a dollar more an hour than I was expecting. I can't wait to find my own apartment and get all settled in. I Love being able to just do what I want without feeling bad because I forgot to call my bf, or my bf is feeling neglected by me. Plus I don't have this confusion about who I like more, or if I like anyone...I don't have to worry about anything or anyone but me! I do miss having someone to cuddle up to at night though =(...

Hmm, I don't think I have anything else to say. I am just bored, and getting more tired, and my back is sore.  You know it's kinda funny how you forget little details about things over the years. For example, when my Dad was in Iraq I only remember him calling a handful of times. He never called very much, and I only got maybe 2 or 3 letters from him while he was gone. Well, with talking to James I am remembering how hard it is when you don't hear from them for a couple of days and you remember how scared you get... I can't believe I forgot how hard it is. It really sucks, but I just have to remember not to worry. If that is even possible....

Anyway, I don't think much else is going on and this post is long enough and full of nothing important already. I just felt like writing for some strange reason. You know something, I never thought about this but when I get the random urge to write a letter to one of my friends that isn't meant to be sent (which happens quite often), I can just write it here. Wow, I have had this journal almost 3 years and I am just now realizing that...haha, I am a Loser... but you Love me anyways, lol.

OOH YEAH! I forgot something else too. When I moved back from Maine I weighed 332 pounds (I haven't told anyone that), but anyways, when I went into the ER on June 28th they weighed me and I was down to 276. WHICH MEANS I HAVE LOST 56 POUNDS!!!! GO ME! My goal was to lose 50 pounds by the end of the year... it looks like I may be able to double that if I keep it up, which means that I may be at my goal weight (180 pounds), before my 20th birthday... My long term goal was to be at my goal weight by my 21st Birthday. I may be able to accomplish that a whole year early... *does a dance*.... ooh yeah, go me, I rock... lol

So...my cancer is back...again. I have been in remission for a year...but not anymore...GOD FUCKING DAMN IT YOU MUTHERFUCKING COCK SUCKING WHORRRREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK IT!

I am probably just being paranoid, but I am worried about James.. I have not heard from him in a few days, and he told me that he would be online this morning. I shouldn't worry too much, but considering the fact that he is in Iraq it is hard not to worry. I don't know what to think when I go long spans of time not hearing from him. I know he hasn't been online at all, but I hope he at least had a chance to call his family so they are not as worried as I am. 

On another note...I am dead tired. Hollie's ex showed up here at 4 am, and stayed until 7:30, and I didn't go to bed until 9, then I got woken up at noon, so I have only had three hours of sleep. Men suck sometimes...but oh well, can't live with them, can't live without them, right? 

Okay, this is a short update, my back hurts, so I need to go lay down.

Last Night makes a week since I injured my neck. It seems like it happened forever ago, but at the same time is seems like my days are just flying by. I don't like taking my meds, which means I have been in a great deal more pain than I would be if I take them. I was given Vicodin and Flexoril. I have taken the Vicodin 4 times, and the Flexoril 7 times in the last 8 days...I really don't like using drugs to get rid of my pain if I don't have to. 

So I met this really cool guy the other day. He is in the Army, and is currently serving in Iraq. He messaged me on Myspace and for some reason I just happened to read his message (I usually delete messages if it is someone I don't know personally). His name is Private James Sullivan, and he is from Winnisquam NH. Right now I am just having fun getting to know someone new. He will be back next August. The only thing that sucks is that his crew got there last January, but he didn't get there until June because he was still in training, which means he doesn't get a 2 week leave to come home; so he has 15 straight months in Baghdad. I feel really bad for him...that is the last place I would want to be. He really loves his job though, and he doesn't complain. 

Let's see...oh yeah, I got to direct traffic for almost an hour yesterday, and it was freaking hot! Hollie and I were bringing Alex, Benjamin, and Jeffie up to the park and as we were getting the kids together to cross the road a car came around the corner and went head first into the telephone pole. The girl was maybe a year or two younger than me. She just got a few bumps and bruises from what I could see. But her car hit hard enough for the power lines to come down, so the road was closed and a couple of us were directing traffic until the cops showed up, but the cops never sent an officer down to take over. It wasn't bad, I didn't mind doing it...it was just really hot, and my back was hurting really bad. It's my own fault for not following doctors orders, I'm not even supposed to be walking around town, but I cannot stand lying in bed all freaking day long.

Oh yea, I am going to be breaking doctors orders even more. Starting next week I may have a job at Walmart, which means I will be on my feet all day, I will be bending and lifting, and I won't be wearing my neck brace. Oh well though, I need to do something. I can't sleep on Hollie and Wilson's couch forever which means that I need to get a job and save money for my own apartment. I don't think I will mind working at Walmart... I've known quite a few people who work there, and they all like it. Guess we will see what happens.

Okay, I am practically writing a damn novel here. I should go.